A Snarky Endgame Guide

The snarky guide to Endgame.

It’s been a looooong time since I’ve written a guide. So I’m out of practice. I’m also not in a job anymore where I can write a guide during the downtime, and I hate spending tons of time on my home computer, so I’m writing this on a borrowed Windows 8 laptop while watching tv. This means that you might hear a: my complaints about this computer and Windows 8 or b: comments on what I’m currently watching. It also means that this probably isn’t going to be as in depth as my other guides with all the “bells and whistles” that I used to include (if you can call my little hidden text boxes “bells and whistles”) since I don’t have the program with all the shortcuts I used on this computer. I will make up for that by turning up the snark, since it seems that is really all you guys want judging from my twitter feed :)

Okay, let’s start this. I’m like a week behind on this game, and there is so much being called “Endgame” that even for me it’s almost a bit overwhelming. I can’t imagine someone new to the genre trying to figure things out between the book, the gold contest and the ARG I’m going to write about. Maybe next time either spread stuff out a little more or name things differently? But what do I know? I’m not a creator, just a lowly player that technically this is being marketed to.

Happily, I favorited a tweet in the beginning telling me how to get started with Endgame. So I’ll use that to get us up to date. Okay, checking out Post Apocalyptic Media, we are told to go to Ancient Societies getting started page. Starting to feel like I’m getting the run around already.

Ancient Societies

First thing the Ancient Societies tells me to do is to get an understanding of the 12 Ancient Lines. (And already I am regretting the lack of an external mouse on this laptop. It has a trackpad that only sometimes works and I keep choosing the wrong link on the touchscreen. Also, I am worried about Hayes Pollard’s knee that I just saw whacked in this USC/Colorado game that I DVR’d.) Right away we’re told that people are miserable and desperate and that we shouldn’t look to the future but to the past. Makes me wonder how much history this person has actually studied. I mean, the past wasn’t all that bright and rosy. As much as I love Renaissance festivals and visiting them during the summer, I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to live during that time. Unless you were royalty or a member of the nobility, life really did pretty much suck. If you did manage to survive your childhood, you then had a lifetime of backbreaking work to look forward to.

Anyways, the Twelve Ancient lines. We are told that the true importance of these lines have been covered up and erased from history. I probably shouldn’t waste too much time trying to figure out, if everything is shrouded in mystery, how this website knows so much about the lines. I’m just gonna chalk it up to magic knowledge implanted directly into the author’s brain while they were sleeping. Probably just as plausible when compared to whatever the real reason is.

Okay, the lines:

Aksumite – Based around Ethiopia and possible holders of the Ark of the Covenant. The line declines when corrupted by Romans and conversion to monotheism.

Cahokian – Pre-cursors to the the Native American population in the United States. Mysteriously vanished around 1250 CE. The only remnants are the Cahokian Mounds left behind.

Donghu – Based in Mongolia. Conquered by the Xiongnu who themselves are forerunners of the Mongols. Invented the horseback horde combat style, but apparently were not conquerors. Just violent and merciless with a touch of spirit and free will.

Harappan – One of the oldest civilizations, the Harappan were based around the Indus Valley. They built the first major cities and have a “mysterious” writing system that has not been completely deciphered. (Because it is so mysterious and not because civilization died out and left no way for us to understand their writing.)

Koori – Forerunners of Australian Aboriginals. Conquered by colonial Australians. Or so the histories say. But as history is just written by liars, can we really trust it?

(I am beginning to sense a pattern here. Pick a region, go back to the furthest “known” people, name an Ancient line after them. But 12 still seems like an arbitrary number. You could easily contract or expand that number depending on your criteria.)

La Tene – Also known as the Gauls. They apparently didn’t like being called names (like Barbarian) so they would sack cities (like Rome). Founders of Druidism, but they were not necessarily related to the Celts.

Minoan – Sea-faring people who eventually were conquered/overtaken by the Greeks.

Mu – First great human civilization. Born on a continent in the Pacific that no longer exists. Well, at least the author isn’t claiming its Atlantis if the Mu are from the Pacific. Oh wait, they ARE claiming it’s Atlantis. I cannot believe the lies we have been told by all these historians. So glad this Ancient Societies person is setting us straight.

Nabatean – Centered around Petra (in modern day Jordan), the Nabatean were a trading empire who were eventually taken over by the Romans and Qahtani Arabs.

Olmecs – Precursors of the Aztecs and Mayans. Developed the concept of the Zero and also had a calendar. They were also heavily into blood magic, which according to every modern day book and video game I’ve encountered is just bad, bad, bad.

Shang – The most powerful Bronze-era empire in China. (But obviously not the only one with that quantifier. So why is this one of the Ancient Lines? Why not go further back to find the forerunner of this line?) The Shang mastered the use of bronze and developed Chinese writing. Also heavily into ancestor worship. Because remember kids, the past is so much better than the future.

Sumerians – First powerful civilization to arise from the Fertile Crescent in Mesopotamia. Invented the chariot which allowed them to conqueror neighboring cultures.

So those are the 12 Ancient Lines. But it still seems like there could be more – there are huge swaths of the planet that are ignored. Nothing at all from South America. Most of Africa is ignored. And no extremely northern civilizations? Inuit, Vikings, something out of Russia? Besides the Koori, all of the 12 lines are situated between roughly 15°N and 50°N. I will admit I am not versed in the pre-history of the rest of the planet, but it still seems like there easily could have been more Lines available (or at least different ones).

That’s the basic background. And after spending 2 hours trying to get this website back up online, this is all you guys are getting tonight. I will write more later, I’m sure. I had forgotten how much fun it is to be so snarky :)

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